You are the miracle.
This is my story. Even now, sometimes I fail, sometimes I am great, sometimes I am in-between, but every single day in my heart I know this truth.
After a few years of marriage, I was pregnant. I was thrilled and overjoyed. My first scan which revealed the heartbeat went well. I was called a few days later for another scan, which did not go as expected. My husband and I took the scan reports for a second opinion to my gynaecologist. I remember we were waiting at the doctor's clinic with the report in our hands. My husband gave me a heads up that the report didn't look good. I nodded but thought to myself everything will be fine.
The doctor looked at the report and began to rattle off the procedure for a D&C (a procedure to remove an unformed embryo). I did not register a thing, all I asked was, "You mean the baby is no more?" And she looked at me and smiled, like its normal. It is normal that the embryo didn't form.
I remember coming out of the doctor's clinic, hugging my husband, crying bitterly in the complete nonacceptance of what just happened. All my mind could register was that the tiny heartbeat was no more. I was in too much pain and ultimately denial.
After I underwent the surgery and recovered, physically I was okay but emotionally I was a disaster. I knew that no matter how much I tried, I could not create life. To me, this needed divine intervention because life is a gift from above. So, I felt helpless and at the mercy of the divine force. I also began to feel that God had abandoned me.
I was questioning God, his plans and why had he deprived me of a miracle. I saw people were being blessed with a child or two, both rich and poor, but I was left out.
During this period of my emotional turmoil, I remember one time being utterly furious with God. I locked myself in my bedroom, sobbing, looking up above as I continuously asked him, "Why didn't you give me the miracle? Why didn't you give me the miracle?" I repeated this over and over again in pain, in anger, in hopelessness, and in anguish. I kept asking him, maybe over 25 times, until I lost count and until I heard a whisper that spoke right to me,
"But. You. Are. The. Miracle."
It sounded like a whisper, clear, slow, calm, as though it was a wise voice that knows. I deliberately put full stops after each word, because there was no hurry in the voice to move from one word to the other.
I heard that and I blinked puzzled. I stalled. There was silence allowing the enormity of those words to sink in.
One might think my life changed from the next minute forward, but no! God gave us free will. And my free will was crippled by my fears. I had work to do before my free will became free.
I had my second miscarriage in the same year. But this time the emotional trauma was better. I also healed physically sooner than before. I was changing, much like a caterpillar, slow and steady.
Post 2 miscarriages, I took time to be aware of my fears and more accepting of myself & my unique journey. We need to know that nature is not in a hurry. Nature has its way of unfolding. The human mind filled with fear however wants to meet asap the outside criteria that make it feel safe. The culture I grew in, wanted me to have a baby asap and if not, I would be labelled as "something broken". These innumerable messages I got from other people, sometimes out loud and sometimes subtle, were the reason for my fear. I had to sit with my fears so that it could speak to me.
My judgment in fear said that I will be safe and worthy if I have a child. Truly judgment knows nothing.
I felt unworthy because I thought the divine providence had deprived me of having a miracle. But that voice, that gentle whisper from the spirit of God told me I am. I don't need to add any miracle to make myself worthy. I am. And that doesn't make me special. It is nature. I know if you seek with all your heart, the spirit will whisper the same to you, because we all are, each one of us, a creation of this beautiful, incomprehensible, ever-existing force of Love.
I became pregnant in 2016 with a healthy beautiful miraculous baby. I was much calmer this time around. I had the privilege to experience a growing human fetus in my womb. The embryo miraculously from a tiny heartbeat grows into the fetus, in the mother's womb. Day after day, evolution takes place and all that is needed for the human body to function is to be developed, organized, and synchronize with nature. There are no human hands needed in the mother's womb for this evolution. It just is; awe-inspiring and beautiful! It is how each one of us miraculously came alive.
Today, to be able to write or speak about my journey is a revelation. We have to allow nature to transform us & we have to transform ourselves, otherwise, we will be stuck in our fear and pain. My journey is miraculous because a miracle is a shift from a state of fear to a state of love.
My miscarriages were natural, but my denial of it, made it look like a punishment. Our neediness makes us live in fear. To be free is to be open, to accept, to love, and to be able to forgive. In being able to see my fear in the true light, I can see the nature of fear in all of us. In being more accepting of myself, I am more accepting of others. Miscarriages and death are a part of nature's course of life, accepting them is a new way of learning.
In my yearning to have a child, that gentle whisper reminded me I also am a child; a child of the ever-loving force of the Universe.
If you feel hopeless, unworthy, deprived, and are asking God for an answer, God is saying it in a million ways "You. Are. The. Miracle."
Are you listening?
- Written by Deepa Fernandes